But I Love Him: When Your Relationship Hurts

People do the darnedest things in the name of love. Everyone I know has been in or at least knows someone who has been in a relationship that just makes no sense at all to anyone else. This would likely be a relationship that hurts; hurts so much that a different time of your life, you would deeply question it.

Love Drug

This would be the type of relationship that may have to be hidden. Either no one wants to hear about it, or they can't stop voicing their opinion about it. Anybody who cares about you doesn’t want to be anywhere near the person. I had a boyfriend in high school that fell into this category. When I finally came to my senses and broke up with him, he tried to trap me inside his house. He actually blocked the front door and any other way I tried to get out. Looking back, I have trouble seeing what I could possibly have seen in him. It certainly had nothing to do with "love." I believe that relationships that hurt are fueled by something very tricky - something that causes a strong feeling to do what is bad for someone. I think of it as a "love drug."

Analogy to Drug Addiction

I cringe even using the word "love" to describe this, but it seems to be the only term available that helps explain what happens. This analogy is powerful, because drug addiction works in the same way. For whatever reason compelled the relationship or the drug use to start, it started out feeling good.

Some people can use and then stop using or use sporadically and live fairly functional, at least seemingly functional lives. Others get sucked right into a catch 22. The more they use, the more they hate themselves, hurt, feel ashamed, fill in the blank. At the same times, it's painful to stop, too.

Relationships that hurt are like this, too. Perhaps he was very charismatic, and had you believing you were very special to him. Rather than seeing it for what it is, an icky sticky situation,  being under the effects of this "love drug" you turn on yourself. Maybe it's my fault, it's something I've done, there's something wrong with me. Or, I can help, I can fix it. This is where is stops making any sense; being physically, sexually or emotionally abused, and taking it on yourself to be the cause.

The part of the mind that this weird addiction lives in isn't the part of the mind that logic lives in. In these cases of relationships that hurt, what's happened is that the addiction has suppressed logic. When addiction is in its full force, logic has a hard time counteracting addiction.

Is It A Sign?

I'm not a big believer that other people's opinions matter so much, but when everyone is telling you "you're crazy," this is a sign to at least consider that you are not acting in your best interest. If you can see even a glimmer of truth to this, know the logical part of your mind is getting some outside support.

It Is Not Love

Can you see that someone who is harming his or her so-called lover is not acting out of love toward that person? Yes, it is certainly an intense emotion, but it is not love. It is a warped. It is anger, and it doesn't even have to do with you or anything you did or didn't do (unless you did something like run after them with a knife and threatened their life (or that of their child, etc.) You are taking the blows for their anger issues, and it's not even really about you. It's their stuff. Nothing you do can fix it. Only they can, period.

What about your intense feelings of "love "for that person? Let's stop calling it love, first of all. Love is the nurturing and care you see when a baby is being cuddled by his or her mom. What you are feeling is much closer to an addiction. And, just like other addictions, the "love drug" can be overcome.

How To Get Past This

Along with any other addiction, the first step in getting past the love drug is just awareness. Yep, you're really doing it. Your reasoning doesn't make any sense. The addictive part of your mind has suppressed the logical part of your mind.  Next, it would help a lot to just stop calling it love. Think of it as a hypersensitivity, like an allergy. This particular allergy has the symptoms of causing you to go toward what is harmful for you. One some level, you know it can only go one-way, and that way is down. As a matter of fact, it can be a terrible outcome for you. These types of situations tend to get worse and worse until you can no longer take it, and leave. Or worse. The real deal is what will happen down the road just a little ways. Gather some support, people who can help you reinforce what is logical, and can help you to keep you sight on what the real deal is. Rapid Resolution Therapy can help you build up your arsenal in this battle, and move toward more fulfilling endeavors.

Unlike other drugs, this one won't be a life-long concern. Keep up your efforts, and the effect of this "love drug" will wear off. You'll continue to evolve, what interests you will change, and you'll be able to look back and know you dodged a bullet.